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Best Friends
Encouraging Positive Connections Between Siblings
By Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D.
Through positive interactions between siblings, nurture in each of your children a sense of standards with respect to relationships – inner standards of fairness, justice, kindness, empathy and other aspects of morality in human behavior. Also, show and describe to them "social causality," that is, "He did this because she did that"-type of thinking. Give them the words to their actions so you help them internalize such views of relationships, even very early on when they do not seem to understand it all. They will, nonetheless, be impressed by the labels, and you will get their attention.
Have playtime with your children, either separately if it is possible for you, or together, designating the "leader" for a certain period of time. Again, such designations are in line with fairness in relationships.
Take the responsibility to know if each of your children has his or her emotional needs met. If the emotional connection with any of your children needs work, do that work simultaneously – don't sidestep it. Take that responsibility!
Through your own example and through discussions with your children, help each of them learn to emit appropriate emotional signals (mostly positive) and learn to read others' emotional signals. For example, when a child frequently feels rejected by his or her friends, withdraws from interactions and cannot talk about it for a long time (and these friends' behaviors do not objectively seem rejecting and/or they try very hard to be inclusive), you might work with your child to try reacting in more appropriate ways, ways that match the intensity of the situation. Instead of sulking endlessly, she can be coached to verbally express, "Hey, I don't like it when you exclude me ... so please try not to, OK?" and then move on with interactions, rather than being stuck in silent treatment.
