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Developing a Relationship With Your Stepchildren
Help for New Stepmoms
By Lisa Marie Metzler
Becoming a stepparent is part of the package deal when you marry a man with kids in tow. But before visions of the Brady Bunch dance in your head, you should know that the road to harmonious blending takes more effort than a 22-minute sitcom.
The best intentions to forge a bond with your new stepchildren can be met with heartache, discouragement and bitterness. Don't expect a lot of warm, fuzzy feelings in the beginning. Start slowly and pursue a relationship based on friendship with your new stepchildren. Be genuine and honest. If you express how great your relationship is going to be and how perfect the children are, chances are they'll think you're a phony. Children, especially younger ones, may still be hurting over the divorce and may not be ready to accept you.
"Everyone accepts the fact that there is a courting period between the two adults who plan to marry, but rarely acknowledge that there must be a similar adjustment period dedicated to getting to know the children," says Jann Blackstone-Ford, author of My Parents Are Divorced, Too (Magination, 1998) and director of Bonus Families, a nonprofit organization dedicated to peaceful coexistence between divorced parents and their new families.
Take the initiative to get to know your stepchildren in a deeper way. "Look for ways that your presence will enhance the life of the child," says Dr. Richard Horowitz, a parenting coach and stepfather practicing in Flemington, N.J. Inquire about their hobbies and special interests, and get involved with them. Children must have a sense that you are genuinely interested in them and not just because you're married to their father.
