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Developing a Relationship With Your Stepchildren
Help for New Stepmoms
By Lisa Marie Metzler
Although easier said than done, don't take the animosity your stepchildren may have toward you to heart. "It's not personal. It's that children almost always want their parents to be together, and they don't want you to fill the mom role," says Marilyn J. Sorenson, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of The Personal Workbook for Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem (Wolf Publishing, 2002). 
There are many different reasons why your stepchildren may not be responding to your efforts. If you were married shortly after the divorce, a child may not be ready to accept the reality that his biological parents are no longer married. Instead of blaming the remarrying parent, he may make you the target of resentment.
Another possible reason is the sympathy factor. Children may respond to their biological mother's hurt over the divorce, sympathize with her feelings and begin to harbor resentment, especially if the biological mom is passing on negative comments about you. Resist the temptation to badmouth the biological mom, even in your own defense.
Blackstone-Ford counsels stepmothers in this situation to remain calm. "Anger and hurt is ruling everyone's judgment, not logic," says Blackstone-Ford. "The goal is always to put aside your own feelings and do what will make the kids more comfortable."
Tricia Smith*, a stepmom living near Atlanta, Ga., says her wonderful relationship with her stepson is the result of the friendship they share. "I think he knows he can come to me anytime, for whatever reason, and I'll be there," says Smith. A birthday card she recently received from her stepson affirmed how much he does care.
"The card had a story about the 'Unwicked Stepmother' and how nice she was," says Smith. "Then he wrote, 'Thank you for being such a great stepmom.'"
