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Developing a Relationship With Your Stepchildren
Help for New Stepmoms
By Lisa Marie Metzler
In some families, a new baby will bring an already strained relationship between stepparent and child to the breaking point. Tina Marin*, a stepmom living near Philadelphia, Pa., experienced this when her stepson was only 2 years old. When she was pregnant, her stepson – who had previously been easygoing and sweet – suddenly became angry and rejected her. Matters grew worse when the baby was born. 
"He would hit and bite the baby. I couldn't leave the two of them alone in the same room," says Marin. Tina's whole family, including the biological mom, sought professional help from a trusted counselor.
Through counseling, many truths were revealed, including the biological mother's fear that she was being replaced. Unfortunately, her fears came in the form of verbal negativity that she shared with her son. The stepson thought he was "being replaced" because of the new baby. Therapy was an eye opening experience for the adults, and they are now getting along fine. "It was like the adults first had to get their act together before my stepson could adjust," says Marin.
"The key to bonding in blended-family situations is to be proactive. Think ahead, plan and anticipate what obstacles there will be and how you will overcome them," suggests Horowitz. Discuss with your husband how the two of you will discipline. Lay out the ground rules during a family meeting that includes your stepchildren. If you have children of your own, be sure to include them, too.
"Be consistent in applying discipline to your own children and to your stepchildren," advises Sorensen. Encourage your own children to show respect toward their stepsiblings. Watch them play. Are your children sharing their toys with their new siblings? Are they including them in the games they play? Don't force the bonding between the new siblings. Instead, play board games or have family outings where everyone is participating in some activity and sharing the day together.
"The ultimate goal is to become a 'bonus family,' in which everyone feels appreciated for who they are, even if they are not biologically related to everyone in the family," says Blackstone-Ford.
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.
