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Home › Articles › Family › Blended Families

Blended Families

Making It Work for Everyone

By Kelly Burgess

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Katie Cooper says she heard somewhere that it takes five years for two stepfamilies to really blend. While she doesn't think it took hers that long, it wasn't all smooth sailing, either. Katie and her husband, James, have been married for six years. When they married, she had three children: a 3-year-old girl and twin boys who were just 1 year old. James had a 3-year-old girl. You might think the girls would be happy to have a new sister, but it didn't quite work out that way.

"I think it was a lot harder on my dear stepdaughter, as she was used to it only being Daddy and her, and then all of a sudden she had another sister her age and two little brothers and to top it all off this strange new mommy," says the Kansas mom. "My daughter also had problems having a new sister and having to share me with her and a new daddy. They fought constantly the first six months, always blaming each other for everything. It was a nightmare."

Since then not only have Cooper and her husband had another son together, she says that now, at age 9, the girls are best friends and they truly are one big happy family. But it took faith, prayers, love and a lot of patience.

Sobering Statistics
The Coopers are among the lucky ones, not only because they solved their problems, but that their marriage survived long enough for them to be solved. According to Dr. Donald T. Saposnek, a clinical child psychologist and child custody mediator, the rate of divorce in second marriages in which there are kids from a first marriage is about 85 percent in the first year and 60 percent after that. There is also growing evidence that the children actively contribute to these breakups.

"There is a documented, lifelong trend of children wanting their parents back together," says Dr. Saposnek. "In my own practice, many have told me they consciously wake up in the morning thinking about how they can get rid of their stepmom or dad, and they act in ways that create conflict. The parent is then put in the position of who do you love more – the kids or the partner? Often, the partner gives up and leaves."

When the children in blended families are in elementary school, it poses its own unique problems. Emily Bouchard, a blended family coach and counselor and author of the e-book Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict

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