My Hands Are Full?

Stupid Things People Say to the Parents of Twins

By Lisa Smartt

I've said stupid things. You've said stupid things. We're all guilty. There's one classic stupid phrase in America today that wins first prize in the parenting category. It's used by people of all walks of life when they come face to face with a parent of small children. The following scenario takes place in every city in America. It goes something like this:

A perfectly intelligent person looks up from a grocery cart and sees a young mom trying desperately to separate the oldest of her three preschoolers from a box of over-priced, fudge-covered, muskrat-shaped graham crackers. The mom wants to send out a search party to arrest the person who devised the advertising campaign for these sugary "Muskrat Morsels."

Meanwhile, the 2-year-old dumps the diaper bag. The 3-year-old starts eating dry spaghetti out of a box on the shelf and begins to choke uncontrollably. This poor mom is about to dial 911. And all the bystander can think of to say is, "You've got your hands full." Ding Ding. You win the prize. That's the understatement of the century.

Most parents handle the above situation pretty well. They smile and say, "Sure do." But that's not what they're thinking. Oh no. I know what you parents really want to say when someone says, "You've got your hands full."

Here goes: "Really. Do you think I've got my hands full? I had no idea. I thought I was on a vacation in the Bahamas right now. I'm expecting a massage and a pedicure on aisle 7. The stock boy will probably be bringing my complimentary fruit tray any minute now. Being as I'm so relaxed, I considered writing a novel or experimenting with crocheting when I'm waiting in the checkout line. LOOK, LADY, I know my hands are full! If this concerns you, feel free to take these children and a roll of quarters out to that slot-machine carousel on the sidewalk. Stay at least an hour. I promise to stay in the store. I'll be right here in the snack bar with a lukewarm cup of coffee and two cucumber slices from the produce department resting comfortably on my eyelids while the gal from the bakery paints my fingernails."

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