The Gift of Sarcasm

How to Train Your Kids

By Tim Bete

You've read the parenting books. You try hard to instill values in your children to pass on a moral code that will stick with them their entire life. You preach the seven virtues: prudence, justice, fortitude, temperance, faith, hope and charity. You want your children to be pillars of the community. But, if you're like my wife and me, you may teach your kids some things you regret sarcasm, for instance.

My wife, Lynn, and I are allergic to dogs, which gives us a convenient excuse when we refuse our kids' pleas for a puppy. When my son was 2 years old and my daughter was 4, friends told us that giving the kids a dog would help teach them responsibility. But, by not getting our kids a puppy, we've helped them learn something far more valuable the fine art of sarcasm. (Early childhood experts might argue that a 2-year-old is too young to use sarcasm. To such comments, Paul responds, "You are so naive.")

I first detected my kids' budding sense of sarcasm one day last summer. I was about to swat a fly with a rolled-up magazine, when the two shrieked in unison, "Don't kill Dave!" They had adopted a fly in lieu of a puppy.

I have only known one other person who had a pet fly. Ray (the person, not the fly) was a sixth grade classmate of mine. He had the unique ability to snatch flies out of mid-air with his bare hands. Ray would then pull a hair from his head, tie a small noose in it and lasso one of the fly's legs. The tethered fly would buzz around in circles as Ray held its leash. I suspect that Ray's parents were also allergic to dogs.

My only option was to catch Dave alive and release him outside. On my 27th attempt, Dave was mine. I could feel him crawling inside my clenched fist. I triumphantly announced that I had caught Dave and was about to set him free.

"That's not Dave," Maria politely informed me. "You caught Mike."

Mike?! (I tossed Mike out the door.) "Do you have any other pet flies besides Dave and Mike?" I inquired. "There's Mean Joe," Maria answered. She didn't tell me why Joe was mean. I can only assume that Joe had a traumatic experience with a maggot that forever tainted his personality. Eventually, Mean Joe joined Mike outside. I never did catch Dave.

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