Siblings Are Special, Too

Nurturing Each Child in a
Special Needs Household

By Shannon McKelden

Parenting multiple children means making sure they all feel loved and cared for equally. When you add to that the special needs of a child with a disability, that job becomes a little more difficult.

Parents like Elizabeth Boyle and her husband Terrence know that the needs of their 5-year-old son Matthew, who has autism spectrum disorder, often affect their 7-year-old son, Nicholas, a typically developing child. So they make particular efforts to make Nicholas feel special, too.

"We try not to think of it as special treatment but, rather, finding time to give some equity in our relationship with him," says Elizabeth Boyle of Seattle, Wash.

Dr. Scott L. Barkin, executive director of the Block Institute in Brooklyn, N.Y., says concerns of parents of a special needs child with typically developing siblings can include any or all of the following:

• As a parent am I giving each of my children all the attention they need and desire, or am I neglecting my "typically" developing child(ren)?
• Will my typically developing child have to make too many sacrifices?
• Will my children develop a relationship? Will they play together?
• Will my typically developing child become resentful?

One thing Boyle and her husband try to accomplish is to give Nicholas one-on-one time. "We've taken him on individual trips to visit family [or] to visit something that he was interested in."

Dr. Barkin agrees that this is a good way to make sure your typically developing children feel they are getting the attention they desire.

"My advice to parents isn't simply to make sure you spend X amount of time with each child," Barkin says. "This needs to be done in conjunction with investing in processing who your child is. Every child needs to believe they are understood, appreciated, regarded and acknowledged. What each child requires to feel that is different."

Lynne Banki of Sammamish, Wash., is the mother of three children: 9-year-old Damian and 4-year-old Atesha, both typically developing children, and 12-year-old Caspian, who is autistic. "I was afraid Damian would get lost in the chaos of a special needs brother and a new baby sister," says Banki, author with her son, Caspian, of What Autism Means to Me

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