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Solution or Punishment?
When Consequences Don't Work
By Judy Arnall, author of Discipline Without Distress (Professional Parenting Canada, 2005)
Your son rides his bike without a helmet. Again. You've nagged, begged, pleaded and informed him of the dangers of riding without one. Next, you've issued consequences! You've taken the bike away and put it in the garage for a day, then a week and then a whole month. You've done everything the parenting books say for a consequence to work. It's reasonable. Anyone can live a day without a bike. It's respectful. You're not hitting or calling him names. And it's related. No helmet, no bike. It's simple to understand. But the problem is that he is still riding a bike without a helmet! And the situation could turn into a huge power struggle every time you take the bike away.
Clearly, the consequence has not worked. Why not? Often, consequences are disguised as punishments. They do not help in making amends, cleaning up, fixing things, nor do they solve problems. Children really need to see the purpose in logical consequences and very often, there is no real purpose, other then to inflict pain and inconvenience for the child until they change their behavior. However, children will not change their behavior until the underlying feeling or need has been addressed and a solution found.
In this instance, the consequence was issued as more of a punishment then a solution. Taking the bike away does nothing to solve the problem of why the helmet is unacceptable to the child. How to tell the difference between consequences as a solution and consequences as a punishment? If you are threatening a consequence, it's probably more of a punishment, and not a workable solution, and even with the three R's (respectful, related, reasonable), it won't work to bring about a positive change of behavior.
