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Home › Articles › Development › I Win!

I Win!

Who Really Wins When You Let Your Kids Win?

By Gina Roberts-Grey, LCSW

Pages:  1  2  3  

When playing a game with your child, it is often a natural inclination to "let" him win. It's always tempting to consent to him taking an extra turn, rolling again or making up embellished rules tailored to his age or ability. You want him to have fun, build his self-confidence and encourage his competitive edge.

Despite having the best intentions for letting him win, do we do children an injustice by giving them an unfair perspective that they'll always win? Do you wonder what his expectations will be in social games or competitive situations when he's older?

It is never easy to see our children endure disappointment or learn humility. They have immature, often fragile, feelings and lack the experience to understand that losing is part of life. It is a natural inclination to bend the rules or fix the game so he'll win. He enjoys the thrill of victory and you enjoy seeing him happy. Your unconditional love offers a caring and protective perspective.

But what will happen when your child plays with someone other than you? His friends do not share your parental unconditional love and empathy for your child. They all want to be the best – to win. Will his friends tolerate it if he hasn't learned good sportsmanship? Will he know how to accept and process not always being first? Will he learn how to share in others' joy of victory?

Learning to Lose
The answers can be found in painful lessons for your child. Barbara P.'s 5-year-old son, Sam, found the hard way that a child who hasn't learned how to lose with grace will endure more hurt on the playground than he would have losing a game of checkers to his parents. "He didn't know how to react to losing, so he just stood there and cried," says the mom from Twin Lakes, Wis. "The kids called him a sore loser and his feelings were hurt. I never thought always letting him win at home would affect him like this at school."

Sam's reaction is typical of children who haven't learned how to lose as well as win. They experience disappointment participating in team activities and contests and competing for school placement.

Children develop a sense of competition at a very early age. Sometime around his 2nd birthday your child will begin to realize his competitive edge. While the intensity of a competitive streak varies by child, all children enjoy the thrill of victory.

When 7-year-old Zachary Grzelka, of Crystal Lake, Ill., came home from school asking why one of his friends "always has to win or else he cheats," his dad wasn't sure how to answer him. Zachary's parents never allowed him to make up different rules as a game is played or let him win. Now he wonders why some of his friends appear to be poor sports or are inclined to want to bend the rules of a game to their favor.

"It's hard to know how much to tell him" says Zachary's dad, Rob Grzelka. "I don't want him to label his friends solely on how they play, but he also realizes some of them aren't playing fair."

Coaches of youth sports teams also see the effects of children who haven't been taught how to lose. Diana T., a soccer coach in Illinois, explains that since winning and losing are part of team sports, it is difficult when a school-age child hasn't learned both aspects of playing. "You can tell if a child's parents shield them from losing," she says. "They are deeply disappointed if they aren't first or lose a game. They don't handle the loss as well as other kids."

Encouraging Sportsmanship
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