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Home › Articles › Discipline › Getting Behind The Eyes of Your Child

Getting Behind The Eyes of Your Child

By Dr. William Sears

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family In parenting our eight children, an early lesson we learned is that when we were uncertain how to react to our children, we would get behind their eyes and imagine situations from their viewpoint. This technique helps you to understand what causes your child's behavior and figure out how to redirect it.

Our Matthew at age 2 was a very focused child. He would become so engrossed in a play activity that it was difficult for him to let go when it was time to leave. One day when he was playing and it was time for us to depart (we were late for an appointment), Martha scooped Matthew up and carried him to the door. Matthew protested with a typical 2-year-old tantrum. At first she had the usual, "Hey, I'm in charge here" feelings and felt that she was justified in expecting Matthew to obey quickly and be willing to leave his toys. But as Martha was carrying the flailing child out the door, she realized that her discipline gauge was out of balance and she was not handling things in the best way. Her actions were a result of her need to leave, but they didn't take into account Matthew's need for advance warning and a more gradual transition. She realized it wasn't in Matthew's nature to click off his interest in play so quickly even if we did have a deadline. He was not defying her, just being true to himself. She got behind Matthew's eyes and realized he needed more time to let go of his activities. So she calmly took him back to the play setting, sat down with him and together they said, "Bye-bye, toys, bye-bye, trucks, bye-bye, cars," until he could comfortably release himself from his activities. It only took a couple of minutes, time that would otherwise have been wasted struggling with Matthew in the car. This was not a "technique" or "method"; this disciplinary action evolved naturally from the mutual respect between parent and child and the knowledge that Martha had about Matthew. At the end of this exercise Martha felt right because it had accomplished what she wanted -- getting Matthew out of the house with the least amount of hassle.

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