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Home › Articles › Discipline › Parents Who Pamper

Parents Who Pamper

How to Stop Over Indulging Our Children

By Emily Mendell

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For parents who want to stop indulging their children, there are many points of entry. Dr. Bettner suggests a family meeting to kick off the process. "Sit down and tell your kids you've made a BIG mistake," she says. "That will get their attention. Tell them that you realized that you have been treating them like babies and they deserve better. They are going to start doing more things on their own and taking more responsibility for their actions."

Identifying together ways that children can become more independent allows the child to become vested in the course of action. It will be up to the parent to stay on the right track.

For certain tasks, it may be harder for the parent to let go. For instance, walking to school, waiting for the bus alone or cooking on the stove involves safety issues. For tasks such as these, a progression is appropriate and gives everyone a greater sense of comfort. Here's how:

  1. You perform the task.
  2. You perform the task with the child's help.
  3. The child performs the task with your help.
  4. The child performs the task alone.

Usually, if the child asks to do something by themselves, it probably means they are ready. Dr Bettner believes that children can do most household tasks by the age of 6.

So what do you do when your child forgets that violin or school lunch? Dr. Bettner doesn't suggest leaving a child stranded without something they need. The key is to teach them it is not OK to forget. "Nobody is perfect, but the child must understand the consequences of their actions," she says. "Bring the violin to school, but let the child know that their forgetfulness consumed some of your valuable time. They owe you for that time. In the end, if you pamper your child in such a way that inconveniences you, you are disrespecting yourself."

Once the child is off and running on his own, it is important to offer positive feedback. Compliment the child on the effort – not necessarily the outcome. When mistakes happen, play them down. Don't focus on the mistake itself but ask her what she learned from it. "Self-esteem comes from what you can do," Dr. Bettner says.

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