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The Consequence System
Use Opportunity and Responsibility to Parent Your Preteen
By Teri Brown
"What is especially useful for a preteen to understand is the outcome of the choices they make," says Haller. "Many preteens 'do' without thinking through the consequences or outcomes. Help your preteen (and all children for that matter) live with intentionality. Help them see how the choices they make and the behaviors they have affect what is happening in their lives."
Haller reminds parents that their parenting strategies need to be reasonable, respectful and related. When the consequence is not reasonable, respectful and related it is interpreted in the mind of the child as a punishment, "something you are doing to me." It is not reasonable that a preteen be grounded for a month, it is not respectful that a preteen be called lazy when they don't get their homework done and if the consequence does not connect back to the choice in a logical manner, it is not related. To lose computer use because you didn't take out the garbage does not relate. To be "grounded" from having friends over for two weeks because of a school detention for talking in class does not relate.
Haller's coauthor, Chick Moorman, agrees. "It is not the severity of a consequence that has impact," he says. "It is the certainty. The certainty that specific, logical consequences follow actions allows children to trust the discipline process. Your consistency in implementing consequences is the glue that holds a discipline strategy together. Children learn that if they choose to leave their bike in the middle of the driveway, the bike will be hung up in the garage for a few days."
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