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The Consequence System
Use Opportunity and Responsibility to Parent Your Preteen
By Teri Brown
The trick then, is to take their opportunity, tie it to the responsibility and give them the choice of losing their opportunity if they neglect the responsibility. When the consequence occurs consistently, children can count on it and plan accordingly.
Moorman stresses that there are pitfalls with this method of parenting that parents need to be aware of. "Effective discipline calls for the parents to arrange consequences so that the child is in control," he says. "They set it up so that the child is in control of his choices and thus controls the outcomes which result. Consequences are not used to control, to manipulate, to demonstrate power or to get even. Attempting to use consequences for control crosses the line and becomes punishment."
Moorman also warns that parents need to be in control of their anger. When you discipline in anger, the child's attention focuses on your strong emotion. He looks outward to the person applying the punishment rather than inward to his own internal reaction to the results of the choice he made. "Sincere empathy is much more effective than anger in a discipline situation," says Moorman. "'Bummer, what a shame, I bet that will be a challenge for you now,' is empathy that maintains a positive connection between you and the child, even as you hold them accountable for their actions. When the child hears empathy, instead of anger, he is more likely to look inside and to notice the connection between cause (his choice) and effect (the consequence)."
The following tips by Haller and Moorman will help you use this parenting strategy effectively with your preteen:
Take 15 to 20 minutes to think through how you want to respond to a particular behavior. It could be important to wait until later to discuss options with your partner. Helping children see the cause and effect relationship that exists between the choices they make and the consequences that are directly related to those choices is more important than whether the consequence occurs immediately or the next day.
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