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The Consequence System
Use Opportunity and Responsibility to Parent Your Preteen
By Teri Brown
When children see themselves as in control of whether or not they experience consequences or outcomes, they are empowered. They learn to see themselves as the cause of what happens to them. It is therefore the children who need the power and the control for discipline to be effective.
In the use of consequences, the effort does not concentrate on making the child comply. The goal is to present choices, allow the child to choose, then give her room to learn from the positive or negatives outcomes that occur. With the consequence system, children learn a lesson from either the positive or the negative outcome.
Avoid modeling the very behavior that you are trying to help your child extinguish. If you want your child to respect boundaries, begin by respecting his. If you want your child to be gentle with his words, be kind and gentle with your words as you speak about others. If doing homework is important, model the reading and math that you do at home.
Manage your anger. Anger has the potential of changing the focus of the lesson – the focus is placed on the strong emotion and not necessarily the behavior and the choices that led to it.
Stop trying to get your preteen to comply. Compliance or noncompliance by the child has nothing to do with the effectiveness of a discipline system. When discipline strategies demand compliance, such as in the case where the parent keeps increasing the severity of the punishment until the child complies, children learn that adults have power and they don't.
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