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Home › Articles › Family › Stepping In

Stepping In

Moving From Friend to Father Figure

By Laura Paul

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Most of the groundwork for a strong blended family begins when the couple dates and gradually includes the children in their social activities. "I think it helped considerably that we dated a long time," Pittman says. "I think fathers need to understand children will often look at the person their parent is dating one way before they marry them. They will look at them differently after they are married. Before they looked at them more as a friend to the spouse. Then, when you marry, they start becoming apprehensive about whether or not you are going to take on roles of the biological parent who is not there."

Ron Deal, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of The Smart Step-Family (Bethany House Publishers, 2002), recommends couples date for two years before getting married when children are involved. He says stepfathers need to earn the right to lead their stepchildren by bonding over time.

"One of the biggest mistakes stepfathers can make is when they come in (with) an attitude that says, 'I'm the stepfather now and you have to do what I say,'" says Deal, who is also the director of Successful Stepfamilies in Jonesboro, Ark. "Relationship, trust and respect are the things that give you the right to then have authority."

Babysitter Role
Deal, who is married to Nan and has three children ages 5, 8 and 10, says the best role for a stepparent can be compared to the role of a coach, teacher or babysitter. "It takes on a mentality that says I am an enforcer of the biological mom's rules and the household rules we have agreed to," he says. "I
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