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The Bond of Siblings
A Special Relationship that Lasts a Lifetime By Tara Swords
When Sarah and Christina were younger, they doubled as best friends and sisters. Two years apart, they laughed and played together and rarely argued.
But now they're 19 and 17 years old, respectively, and their mother, Debbie, says the girls' relationship has taken on a new dimension.
"Now they're a bit more in competition with each other even jealous," she says.
It often happens this way. Siblings share a vast background of common experiences and circumstances, and as children age and search for their own niche in the world, siblings can seem an obstacle in the path to individuality. Trivial issues suddenly become focal in their lives: who gets to sit in the front seat and who can jump higher, for example.
Dr. Maurice Elias, professor of psychology at Rutgers University, says the friction between siblings can appear early.
"It starts when both kids are old enough to actively want something the other has, whether it's space, an object or attention," Elias says. "That typically begins after age 2. But there can be difficulties between siblings at an earlier age it's just not the same as the more intentional friction that occurs after the youngest turns 2."
Yet Debbie's youngest three children 10-year-old Ashlee, 8-year-old Bryan and 7-year-old Zachary get along remarkably well and always have. They still want privacy when they bring a friend over to play, but their relationships have always been loving and respectful.
"They all sit down and read the cereal boxes every morning," Debbie says. "Sometimes they say, 'You had that one yesterday. I want it today!' I suggested that they share and now they'll put it in the middle of the table so that they all can see it. They share it and they do that themselves."
Elias says this kind of healthy relationship between siblings is something that parents can strongly influence.
"There is every reason to expect that siblings will treat each other with respect, understanding and fairness," he says. "Parental expectations play a role. If parents expect siblings to fight, they are more likely to end up fighting."
So how can you avoid daily brawls between the siblings in your home? Elias says there are a few key things to remember.
- Be aware of your expectations for your children. Do you assume that they will fight and argue? If so, you just might be facilitating that behavior. Let your children know that you expect them to treat each other with respect and they are more likely to do so.