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The Not-So-Evil Stepmother
Breaking the Stereotypes By Kendeyl Johansen
The fairy tale Cinderella vilified the word "stepmother," but with today's 50 percent divorce rate, women increasingly find themselves cast in that role. "More children currently live in stepfamily relationships than in nuclear families," says Jeannette Lofas, winner of the National Parents' Day Award from the 103rd congress, and author of several stepparenting books. And the hard work that goes into mothering stepkids is finally receiving recognition. In 1998, Lofas' Stepfamily Foundation successfully lobbied the Whitehouse to include stepmothers in the Mother's Day Proclamation. Popular culture is also exploring stepfamily relationships in movies like Stepmother starring Julia Roberts, but can a not-so-evil stepmother expect a happy Mother's Day?
New stepmom Linda Mattson, of Salt Lake City, Utah, didn't know what to expect on her first Mother's Day. After struggling as a single mother to raise 6-year-old Taylor, she'd recently married Tim, the father of 6-year-old Tawni and 4-year-old Alix. "Tim was very supportive on my first Mother's Day with our new family," Mattson says. "He helped the kids make cards for me and we celebrated with a family picnic." Linda made sure the biological mother received cards, too.
Mattson's Mother's Day was idyllic but Dionna Sanchez of Idaho knows that holidays can be trying for blended families. Her 6-year-old stepson celebrates Mother's Day with his biological mother from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. This forces the celebration with Sanchez to be a day early, and her biological daughters also must celebrate then to avoid complications. "I'd like to be able to celebrate the holiday on Mother's Day like other moms do," Sanchez says. She's hoping to alternate future day-before celebrations with her stepson's birth mom.
"It's essential to realize that stepfamilies function differently than nuclear families," Dr. Lofas says. "Stepmothers need to work with their partner to establish, rules, responsibilities, norms, etc. Good communication will help stepfamily relationships function effectively." Utah stepmom Kristen Maxfield says, "Communicate! Tell your husband what you want to do on Mother's Day. Have him help the children."
Dr. Lofas agrees. "Stepmoms should make sure that the father is involved in Mother's Day preparations," she says. "Warn your husband that Mother's Day is coming and you're a mother, too." Many stepmothers who didn't have kids of their own before getting married face a huge challenge taking care of children who may not appreciate their efforts, Lofas says.