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The Not-So-Evil Stepmother
Breaking the Stereotypes By Kendeyl Johansen
A stepmom herself, Lofas would open her husband's day planner and write: Remember Mother's Day. I like pink flowers. "I tell husbands to take the biological kids and buy flowers or a card for the stepmom and the biological mom, too, even if they're not speaking," she says. "If fathers forget the holiday until the last minute, I tell them to take a piece of paper for a card, fold it and have the kids draw something on it." She suggests that stepmothers of 6- to 9-year-olds can have their husbands help the kids make breakfast in bed.
But what if Mother's Day doesn't go as expected? "Don't let yourself be disappointed," Lofas says. "Remind your partner that Mother's Day is approaching. Use 'I' statements so your spouse doesn't become defensive. For example: 'This is how I feel about the holiday. I'd like this to happen...'"
Elaine Shimberg, author of Blending Families: A Guide for Parents, Stepparents, and everyone Building a Successful New Family (Berkley Trade, 1999), says, "Remember that you're not the birth mother and shouldn't try and take her place, regardless if she and your husband are divorced or if she died. Be pleased if you're acknowledged in some way by your stepkids, but don't expect or demand it. Love (and even fondness) require time to grow. Go slow!"
Barbara Paine of California has watched the relationship with her two stepsons evolve as the boys grew from 10- and 15-year-olds to adults. Her family, including two biological kids of her own, had to learn how to get along, which was sometimes difficult with the strong personalities involved. "I now have a good relationship with my stepsons and feel that I can call on them for help or just to chat, and they can call on me," Paine says. "We get together on special occasions." Her biggest reward is watching her stepsons grow up into decent, loving people. On recent Mother's Days they've called and sent cards or flowers.