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Sibling Rivalry

What to Do When the Kids Are Fighting

Parents can cut through children's projections of blame by requiring that each child speak only in "I" statements. This means that each statement must begin with the word "I." Acceptable statements are, for example: "I hit Tommy back after he hit me," or "I teased Alicia, and she called me a name." The use of "I" statements forces children to focus on their own contribution to the altercation rather than projecting responsibility onto their sibling. This makes sense because a child can take responsibility only for his or her own behavior.

This is the core of the problem-solving process. The central question to the siblings is: "What can you do to avoid what happened?" Although parents may be tempted to present simple solutions to the problem, they should skillfully involve the children in analyzing the conflict and how it could have been avoided.

An outcome of this phase of the problem-solving process may be the family setting some basic rules that all must follow. Posting these rules on the refrigerator door may serve as a helpful reminder to all concerned. For example, a rule might be: No one borrows anything (toys, clothing, personal possessions) without expressed permission from the person owning the object. Or, when the door to a bedroom or bathroom is closed, no one enters without permission from the person in the room.

Want to see more?

• Preventing War When Siblings Are Home Alone
• When Your Child is a Bully
• Behavior Contracts: What Can They Do for You?
• Talk about it!