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The Best Policy
Talking Honestly to Your Child About Adoption By Heather V. Long
Issues with resentment can and do happen with adopted children, just as they do for birth children. Parents should handle those outbursts with the same love and honesty that they have handled the rest of the issues surrounding the adoption.
"This [resentment] happens in families, regardless of how a child joined the family," Becker-Weidman says. "All children will express anger and resentment about something. If the child isn't, you probably aren't doing a good job with limits. You accept the child's feelings with empathy, and you express interest in understanding the child's feelings. You use curiosity to explore what the child is angry about, what that feels like to be mad at you or the birth parent, what leads the child to feel that way, what the child would like different and what that would be like if different and so on."
Becker-Weidman suggests that parents accept the child's feelings, saying it is best to let the child explore his own feelings, and you can add new information to correct any distortions or misconceptions after they have vented their emotions.
"The most important thing for any adoptive or foster[parent] to do is let their child be who they are, not try to make them what they want the child to be,"Johnson says.
Some key tips to remember:
- Discuss the adoption early.
- Use the phrase "was adopted" as in a done deal and a past event.
- Be honest with your children. Tell them what you know.
- Support their need to know and their need to question.
- Understand when resentment comes, because it's a normal feeling all children experience at some point in their lives.
It is a good idea to begin discussing adoption from the beginning, using stories and always offering reassurances. It is important for your children to know that they were wanted, and this early sharing can lead to stronger emotional connections and a more solid foundation for confronting the problems that life offers.