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Helping Children Say Good-bye
Excerpted from Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss
By Claudia Jewett Jarrati
nd then for the child to begin work on another as the first subsides. Some children feel overwhelming anxiety or sadness first, while others begin with anger or guilt. Whether the feelings are mixed or successive, each component of grief must be worked through, and none suppressed. This can be a lengthy though intermittent process, taking as much as two to three years in adults and longer in children. Older children may need more time than preschool children, and adolescents can be especially vulnerable to separations and losses, because so much in their lives is already in flux. In addition, research indicates that serious ambivalence or internal conflicts about the relationship with the lost person severely complicate the grief process, extending the time it may take to move through it. When there is no physical body to take leave of, this, too, tends to prolong the grief process.
Children need to know that their feelings and reactions are common and normal to grief, that the return to creative, healthy living involves pain, and that there is no short cut -- the greater the loss, the longer it takes to get over it. Unfortunately, in these days of fast food and instant gratification, many adults as well as children have had little experience with tolerating discomfort patiently. Children should be reassured that they will feel better eventually, although they may not believe it. It is honest to tell them that crying and hurting are part of the cure, though they may not understand how that can be so. Often it helps them to know that what they are experiencing and feeling is normal, so that instead of trying to fight their feelings they can become more comfortable expressing them.
The outcome of children's grief experiences hinges to a