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Home › Articles › Your Children › Helping Children Say Good-bye

Helping Children Say Good-bye

Excerpted from Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss

By Claudia Jewett Jarrati

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large extent on whether adults are able to tolerate their expressions of strong feelings about what has happened. Complications seem most likely to arise in children who have not felt permitted to let themselves know and express their genuine feelings or have not had their awareness and expression of these feelings encouraged and supported. Remember that when the loss has stricken the caregiving adult or adults deeply, children may be reluctant, resistant or unwilling to share and process their feelings at home. In such cases, it is important that children have supportive adults to talk to and that their need to keep their feelings separate and private from their caregivers should be respected.

Whatever their age or their circumstances, grieving young people need authentic empathy, respect and support from caring adults. Give children as much time as they need with all their feelings; don't try to rush them into "more productive" emotional states or urge them to speed their reactions up or tone them down. Feelings are, after all, just signals of an emotional state -- our response to something that has touched us, like the itch that results from a mosquito bite. To say to a child, "Don't be sad (or angry or upset)" is as useless as saying, "Don't itch." Be firm, however, about not allowing children to discharge their feelings in hurtful or destructive ways.

Here are some suggestions for the adult who wants to provide encouragement and support to a child who is experiencing or dealing with acute grief:

  • The child's feelings and concerns should take precedence over almost everything else. As soon as the child tries to share feelings, stop what you are doing immediately (or as soon as you can) and focus on the child. It is important to send the message: "Your feelings are important to me, and I will find time to listen to them. You are not bothering me."
  • When the child shares sadness, anger, guilt, or shame, whether verbally or physically, don't ask that those feelings be postponed, denied, or concealed. Stifling grief requires precious energy better used to deal with all the changes accompanying loss; moreover, grief driven underground can return months or even years later to haunt the child.
  • When the child's feelings or the duration or timing of those feelings differ from your own, respect the differences, and don't criticize or appear upset by the child's statements and feelings and actions. It is the recognition, acceptance and validation of each emotion as it occurs that lets the child move from one emotional state to another so that grief can be completed.
  • Remember that children often just want someone to bear witness to their pain and grief. If you have a close relationship with a child, what you say may not be as important as what you do. The touch of a hand on a knee, an arm around a shoulder, a lap to sit on or a shoulder to cry against can offer profound comfort.
  • If a child seems to be playing up grief for attention, this is a signal that some other need is likely not being met. Giving extra support and showing ample authentic positive interest will usually make the problem disappear.

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