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Home › Diaries › Diane's › January 2, 2000

Diane's Diary Entries

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January 2, 2000


I can not stress enough how much I am looking forward to the end of school vacation. This has been such an incredibly emotional week that I don't know how I got to the end of it, but apparently I did.

Austin is the type of child who needs to have a set schedule or he becomes unglued, so this vacation was an emotional roller coaster for him. The only schedule we followed was the one that states in bold letters: THERE IS NO SCHEDULE.

I was frantic all week trying to get everything done for the holidays and so scatter-brained about it that the confusion made Austin's wires short-circuit. In other words, he was a miserable, intolerable, rude and belligerent child.

As we headed towards Friday, I was the one who became unglued and just ended up in a puddle of tears. Trying to take care of holiday obligations, gift giving, dinners, and travel plans on top of the daily needs of a family of five (almost six) is simply more than I could handle this week. It wouldn't have been so bad if Austin were an easier, less emotional child, but he's not.

I keep wondering what happened to Diane. For so long I have been someone's mother or someone's wife that I got left behind a long time ago. I can't remember when the last time was when someone said to me, "What do you need?" And the funny thing is that if someone did ask my answer would probably include something that would meet the family's needs and not my own. Whenever I attempt to share my feelings about this with my sister or mother all I get is the typical response that I was the one who chose this. Can someone please tell me what the heck that means? Does that mean that just because I wanted a husband and children that all the strain that comes with it isn't supposed to upset me? Does it mean my own feelings are to be shut off because this is what I "chose?" To me that statement says that I haven't any right to be hurt, angry, bewildered and confused about it all. No one gave me a book before I had children that prepared me for the way I would feel. Not that I would trade my life for anything, but just like any other woman who has a "career" there are times when the load becomes heavy and I would like to vent. SAHMs for some reason don't seem to be allowed that luxury of complaining. I think we are looked at differently than women who go to work in an office because home is our office and we are expected to run it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and do it well and without complaining. The difference is that when one is a part of a team in an office each person has a job to do. In this office, I am responsible for everyone's job. But hey, I guess I chose it.

I am going to be very relieved to get back to this week's schedule because it will seem like normal again. Austin will be able to fall nicely back into the daily grind where he knows what is expected and when. He is a creature of habit, what can I say.

Tonight I took him out, just he and I, to go see Bicentennial Man. We were out and about doing not much of anything for most of the afternoon, and he seemed to really enjoy our time alone together. In the movie theater he actually put his head on my arm and was nice to me. What a change from his behavior all week long. I think he was also happy about getting to go to his dad's house tonight. He had been away all week skiing in Lake Tahoe so Austin didn't get to see him since Christmas Day. That's a long stretch for him not to see his father and I'm sure that was upsetting him as well.

I wish children were able to communicate their emotions to us and weren't so much of a puzzle. How much less stressful it would be then to figure out what was actually bothering him. As I dropped him off this evening at his dad's he waved to me, smiled and said, "I love you mom." I love you too, Austin.

All My Best,

Diane

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