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Home › Diaries › Diane's › April 4, 2000

Diane's Diary Entries

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April 4, 2000

I never knew one hour could pass so quickly. As I sat and unloaded on this poor man (the child psychologist) about Austin and his behavior, it felt like a ton was lifted from my chest. I couldn't get out fast enough all that I wanted to say to him and found myself just wishing he would shut up when he spoke so that I could continue. On and on I blabbed about this and that and the other thing as he sat taking his notes. I didn't care what he was writing and wouldn't have noticed if he even fell asleep, just as long as I could let go of everything I have been feeling over the past months. When he started glancing at his watch I became upset for I knew my captured audience was about to be freed. From what I told him and what Phil is going to tell him at his appointment on Thursday I'm sure he can come up with some sort of solution to help Austin and myself be able to stand in the same room without glaring at each other. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. The more time that passes without him here, I realize how chaotic things really were. I have a chance to breathe and go over all the horrible fights, arguments, and disagreements and see just how petty things were. He just wasn;t happy and I just wasn't happy. Everyone suffered.

He was here today due to an illness so he couldn't go to school. Things were actually fine for quite some time. Then I had to go get Alex from school and I watched as he transformed back into his angry self. For some reason he has this hatred towards Alex and it upsets me so much. I just simply don't understand it. It's not like I shower Alex with attention and ignore Austin or play favoritism because I make a conscious effort that any attention is equal. If one gets a treat, they all get one. If I hug one, they all get hugs. I'm exhausted from making everything so damn even. I'm exhausted from feeling so responsible for every little thing, every mishap, tear or frown my children shed. I love them all equally and the same, yet it seems to be so difficult to make Austin realize that. I don't want jewels, fancy cars, a mansion or the yacht, all I want is an honest to goodness hug from my son and if it's not too much to ask, maybe even a smile. I want to have a conversation over a snack about his day. I want him to be happy. The more time that passes without those things I feel they will never be, but I hope and keep hoping.

Diane

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