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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

Do you have any advice on how to curb my 8-year old son's rude behavior? He gets great pleasure out of talking back, arguing, and being just plain snotty not only to his peers, but to adults as well. We've tried taking away privileges and allowance, and we've given him opportunities to "earn" the items back with improved behavior. However, my husband has just about had it with the smart-mouth and I've just about had it with the two of them constantly arguing! HELP!

It is best to feedback how your son is talking, not what he saying. So you might say things like, "You really like giving orders," or "You like to disagree." This will help him become more aware of his behavior.

When he is disrespectful to adults, it is important to take immediate action. Require him to repeat what he is saying in an appropriate manner before he has any privileges.

He can also write his remark and decide if he is blaming, criticizing, threatening, accusing, generalizing, ordering, showing lack of concern, being rigid, insulting, name calling, mocking, being sarcastic, etc. He can write the sentence, "When I said,'.... I was being..... " Instead, I could have said, '......' Again, he would have to complete this task before doing ANYTHING he wants to do (eating snacks, watching TV, playing video games, going outside, etc. ). It is more important that the child writes these two sentences correctly once rather than having him or her write it many times. The object is to teach not to punish. The child is in control because as soon as he completes the task properly, privileges are returned.

Adults should never argue with children. They should simply rephrase the child's point and not offer their own unless the child asks. At the same time they can stand firm on their limits without repeating them. If you see an adult and a child argue, do not take sides but feed back what each one is saying, "So you think...., and Dad thinks....."

The book How to Handle Bullies Teasers and Other Meanies will help you both defuse many of your son's comments. Save written consequences for the worst situations. As you model handling his rudeness in a light way, he will begin to learn to be different with peers. You can even reward him every time he makes a "bully bust" which are taught in the book. Do not hesitate to see a professional if either your son or husband is too rigid to make the suggested changes.

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