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Expert Q&A

	By EQ Doctors Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D. Steven E. Tobias, Psy.D. Brian S. Friedlander, Ph.D Psychologists

I have an 8-year-old daughter who is impulsive. Not just, "Oh, I just wantto hug you" impulsive. She blurts out whatever is in her head, behaves with complete disregard for others, etc. She ends up hurting feelings and doing inappropriate and sometimes dangerous things. Example -- we keep the hallway doors closed so that the baby can't crawl into rooms that aren't babyproofed. His play area is baby-friendly, as is the hallway itself. She can't seem to remember to close the bathroom door, no matter how many times I make her stop doing whatever she's doing to go close it. She knows that people are sensitive about some things, almost universally, such as weight, skin condition and/or color, hygiene, etc., and yet, despite our counsel to the contrary, makes comments within earshot of people with those conditions, and sometimes even directly. We've tried to explain that not intending to do something, and apologizing, don't un-do them, don't un-saythem, don-t un-hurt the feelings. Shouldn't she be starting to feel some empathy by this age?

To head off the discussion in that direction, let me say that in our home,respect is the norm. We don't gossip, we don't speak disparagingly, we don't generalize any group, we don't make fun of anyone, we encourage respect. She treats us with respect, and does so with most people, except when an impulse comes into her head to say or do something.

I need some ideas how to get her to understand that what she's about to say or do will have consequences that may be unpleasant, and that she doesn't have to say or do whatever comes into her head. She's a good student --mostly As, she plays clarinet in band, she plays soccer, and for the most part, she's a good sport. She tends to make excuses, and I don't know where that comes from, because I don't! (I really don't -- that's why my last boss hated to lose me!) When she plays with the baby, she doesn't think about how lifting him in the air may not be enjoyable to him if he can't support his back enough, or if her arms suddenly give out and she drops him. See, this could be serious, and I'd hate for her to have to live withthe consequence of having caused permanent injury to her brother.

There are several possibilities to explain what you describe. What lookslike a problem of empathy may be something else, so let's see if we can tryto rule out the most likely issue first.

The most likely issue is that your daughter has a problem with impulsecontrol AND that she does not respond well to verbal instructions. For somekids, words are just not strong enough inhibitors to help them develop asense of self-control. They know what's right and wrong, but when it comestime to do it, the emotions of the moment take over. After the misbehavior,the excuses follow.

When you say, ""Why did you do that?"" your child really wants to answer,""Because I have problems with impulse control and I need something otherthan verbal cues to help me focus my energies on self control."" But kidsdon't answer that way, so they make up stories that drive us nuts!

In our book, Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, we describe in detail howto help children manage their impulses and we urge you to check out thetechniques in there, especially Chill Out, Stuff Happens and Praising. Fornow, we have a couple of suggestions you can try.

First of all, keep a chart on the refrigerator of all the times yourdaughter does not follow your directions in a couple of areas -- let's saysaying hurtful things to others and handling the baby too roughly. At thesame time, also keep track of when she says kind or helpful things toothers and handles the baby well.

The chart should have the four behaviors across the top (two positive, twonegative) and going down you would have 7 days, each divided up intomorning and afternoon. In the boxes, you record each time you see one ofthe behaviors. The chart should go onto the refrigerator and be in veryplain sight. It is not a punishment. You can introduce it to her asa way of helping her get better control over herself and needing fewerexcuses.

After about a week, it is likely that the chart will show an increase inpositive behavior, even if the negatives don't disappear or even diminish.If you don't see an increase in the positives at all, there may well be anempathy problem and you might want to consult a school psychologist at herschool and explore ways that professional help might be useful.

If you do begin to see some positives, you might also consider adding anincentive or two to reduce the negative. You might say, ""If you have fourfewer examples of saying bad things to others or handling the babydangerously, we can go to a movie together, or you can stay up 15 minuteslater tonight."" You have to work with your daughter to find something thatwill be meaningful and appropriate for her and for you and your values.

As she shows progress, you can keep adding incentives for her to reduce hernegatives. You can also have incentives to add more positives, but in thiscase, it is important to reduce the harmful behaviors as a priority.

In Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, as well as in an excellent book bySteven Gordon and Michael Asher, Meeting the ADD Challenge, there arespecific ideas for how to set up charts and incentive systems. For mostkids, the issue is impulse, not empathy.

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