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Home › Expert Q&A › Behavior and Discipline › How can I help my son to be more motivated to excel?

Expert Q&A

 

By Sonny Elliott
Family Counselor/Author

My 7 1/2-year-old son is very good at most athletic things that he tries. He is very bright and is wonderful at developing arguments (a future lawyer perhaps?). He plays in the highest caliber sports teams (hockey and soccer) and seems to work hard at those sports. He is not a strong reader and has difficulty with reading and spelling. He is not far behind, but he is average or a little below. He will not read on his own.

For years, all of his teachers have commented that he does not exhibit enough effort. He receives average marks and the comment is always that his "marks do not reflect ability." I have been told that he does the bare minimum to pass and that he does not really try hard at anything.

What can I do to motivate my son and teach him that he should have enough pride in himself to want to do more than just pass or receive average grades? I even see this attitude in sports, where although he does exhibit some effort, he is more content to pass the puck or ball and let someone else try to score than to take on the work of getting through the defense and scoring himself. Is there anything I can do?

This is a transitional period in your son's life given his age, and it may require more than one strategy to have the desired result. I invite you to look at the possibility of leveraging what he likes and wants against what he needs support in. For instance, since he seems to love sports you might set up a "game" that ties in his sports activity with reading. While this may sound harsh, he will most likely will have the opportunity to play sports for many years, as he grows up, but how many chances will he have to master reading? As he grows older the chances of his reading improving will most likely diminish.

While raising our four sons, we discovered that if we wanted improvement in an area that the boys resisted, we would find something they really liked, and we would take it away as a consequence if they didn't follow through. For instance, if they didn't do their assigned chores, they wouldn't be allowed to participate in an anticipated sleepover. You and I know there will be lots of sleepovers, but the child really feels this is the only one, ever! It really won't take many "take aways" for the child to get the new "game." Also with consequences, you don't have to threaten, raise your voice, etc., and you can be light and matter of fact. And my suggestion is not taking sports away, but rather one practice session or team game.

Another suggestion is to use a powerful question with your son such as: "Son, what would have to happen" for you to read more, study harder etc. You might find he needs glasses, or was embarrassed while reading in front of his class, and that perhaps he has made a decision to hang back. The great news is that at this age, you're still very close, the teenage hormones haven't kicked in yet, and this is a get opportunity to interrupt what could turn out to be a lifelong habit, of not putting forth his best efforts in life.

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