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Home › Expert Q&A › Behavior and Discipline › I read in my 10-year-old's diary that she is looking at porn on the Internet. What should I do?

Expert Q&A

 

By Keath Castelloe Low
child and adolescent psychologist

I have a 10-year-old daughter and was picking up her room with her the other day. As I was cleaning under the bed I found what I guess is a diary (spiral-bound notebook) and started reading. She was writing about the fact that I had "caught" her going onto the Web and looking at porn on different Web sites. She says she doesn't do it anymore, but then starts writing what I would consider pretty disgusting things for a 10-year-old. Should I approach her about this? What do I do?

I understand your concerns. On one hand, your daughter's diary is private and she will most likely be angry that you have read it. On the other hand, the material she has written is serious and needs to be addressed. The detailed knowledge she has about sexual activities combined with her past watching of pornographic material is very, very concerning.

You may have to address the issue in two steps. First let your daughter know that you have read what she has written in her notebook and you want to talk with her about it. She may react with anger and express feelings that she can't trust you to stay out of her things. Let her express this. Allow her to vent. Your approach with her must remain calm. "I understand that you are angry, but I am concerned and want to talk with you about your writings." If she is able to sit down with you at that point and share, take this time to talk about the issue.

If she is so angry (and perhaps embarrassed) that trying to talk to her at that point in time is useless, let her know you will talk when she is settled and better able to address what is going on. Let her know you love her and are simply concerned. Keeping your lines of communication open with her is vital. Try not to react to her with anger or disdain. She needs your help and you must keep a clear head. Follow up with her later that day.

It is important for you to gather more information about how your daughter is being exposed to this level of sexuality. What were the circumstances that led her to watch porn on the computer? Is she hanging around with friends or adults who are especially sexualized?

Unfortunately, we live in a sexually charged environment. We are bombarded everyday with sexual messages in advertising, magazines, television, music, etc. Sometimes these messages are explicit and violent. It is extremely important to monitor our children's exposure. Only allow her to watch television shows and movies that are appropriate for her young age. Monitor the music she listens to. Install Net Nanny or some other type of parental controls on the computer. Do not allow her to have a computer or television in her room. You cannot monitor what she is watching if it is tucked away in her room. Keep the computer in a place like the kitchen where it is out in the open.

Get to know her friends. Who does she spend time with at school? Are they good influences? If not, discuss this with your daughter. Who is supervising her after school? If she is home with you, you are able to do this. If you are a working mom, however, she may be in an after-school program or be cared for by another adult. Is the after-school program an appropriate setting where the kids are closely supervised? Is the adult who cares for her a trusted adult who monitors her activities?

Being exposed to pornography can be very confusing, especially for a child who is just entering puberty. Your daughter's body may be beginning to develop, hormones are flowing, and she is becoming more and more aware of her own sexuality. If you haven't already, it is important for you to spend time talking with her about healthy sexuality and healthy choices related to sexuality.

Porn obviously isn't what healthy sexual relationships are about at all! Intimate sexual relationships involve commitment, love and respect between two consenting adults. Talk with your daughter about what she has written in her journal. Talk with her about appropriate sexual behaviors and boundaries. It is important for her to understand about sexual abuse prevention. Sexual abuse can be perpetrated not only by an adult, but also by another child. Educate your daughter about ways to protect herself from such a violation.

Make an extra effort to spend one on one time with your daughter. Your relationship with her is so important. She needs to feel she can come to you with any issue and you will be able to respond to her in a loving, non-judgmental, protective and nurturing way. Keeping lines of communication open and monitoring your daughter's environment is key for maneuvering through this difficult time successfully. You are her best resource for learning about respectful and loving sexual relationships. Talk with her about the responsibilities that come along with sexual relationships. Talk with her about the consequences of intercourse including pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Talk with her about contraception. Teach her your values related to the importance of abstinence. Your positive influence in her life will make a huge difference in her developing a better understanding of healthy sexuality.

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