- my iParenting
- quick clicks
- preschoolers today articles
- preschoolers today q&a
- children today articles
- children today q&a
- community & groups
- research baby names
- prepare a birth plan
- content channels
- ip channel rss feeds
- read birth stories
- read parenting stories
- recommended books
- e-newsletters
- safety recalls
- ip diaries
- ip store
- mom of the month
- dad of the month
- editor's letter
- letters to the editor
From Our Sponsors
- e-newsletters
- Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters
- award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Expert Q&A
 |  |  |
| By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist | ||
 |
My 11-year-old is very high strung and yells at me that she wants to live with her dad. What should I do?
High strung, demanding children wear down parents easily. It seems easier to give in to them once in a while than to stick to your rules. However, the most difficult behavior patterns to get rid of are those that are rewarded – not rewarded every time – but rewarded once in a while. The child learns that every fifth or 10th time she will get her way so her more obnoxious behaviors do not stop. Inconsistent parenting is not good for this situation.
Whatever strategy you have used before you might have to stop. If it hasn't worked, don't repeat it. However, if some strategies have been effective some of the time, see if you can figure out why.
I suggest that your daughter must earn certain privileges. She earns them by asking for what she wants without screaming, and accepting ?Noś as an answer. For example, at the end of a given day if she did not get demanding and difficult she might earn a star. After she earns a certain amount of stars she can be rewarded with something you would probably give her anyway but it is something she is not entitled to. For example, taking her to the mall when she wants to go is not a ""right,"" it is a privilege.
It can be helpful to have ""rehearsals."" Have your daughter pretend to want something and have her act loud and demanding. Then you show her what you will say and do. Thank her for rehearsing with you. Then when she acts up for real, follow up with what you told her you would do. When she learns that she has more to gain by cooperating and more to lose by being difficult, she will modify her behavior."
Related Expert Q&A
- We have a 7-year-old son who bites his hand and finger all the time. What is the best way to receive help?
- Is TV really that bad for children? Should I really be concerned?
- How do I know the difference between an outgoing, spirited child and one with ADD? Are there specific indicators for ADD?
- Can you tell me what the correct amount of sleep is for a 3-year-old, a 5-year-old and an 8-year-old?
- Is it normal for a 7-year-old boy to not have any friends? Should I intervene?
More Answers by this Expert
- How do I deal with being dependent on my partner after supporting myself for so long?
- My new baby is very fussy and not sleeping well, which is getting my wife, who is recovering from her C-section, frazzled. How can I help my wife muster the stamina to make it through this time?
- How can I stop my 4 year old from ignoring me?
- Is it appropriate for an 8-year-old girl to sleep in her father?s bed?
- My daughter recently started seeing a psychologist. Is it best she see him alone, or is family therapy more appropriate, even if the problem revolves around school?