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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

My 6-year-old son throws temper tantrums and when I try to talk to him, he either laughs or cries. If I have to "get after" him, he laughs and cannot stop. What can I do to stop this behavior? I don't spank him. His punishment is time-out.

This is a time honored way children get a parent's attention and it sounds like it's working! Children have one job in life and that's to test their parents, to discover where the boundaries are, how the rules work and what the consequences of one's actions are. This is the time that either parents step up and teach these lessons or they begin abdicating their responsibilities by blaming circumstances for what they cannot control.

If you haven't met with a pediatrician, to check on his chemical balance etc., I would do that as part of making sure this isn't simply a way your child is receiving extra attention.

Consequences, not punishment, are usually boundaries parents can establish that will cut through the drama, and find out what is actually so. A consequence might be to deny him the next big thing in life he is looking forward to. While appreciating time outs have their place, since this doesn't seem to be working I would invite you to come up with something that would work. Find out what is the next biggest and most important thing in his life is, don't warn him in advance, and when he goes into this behavior mode, simply inform him what he just lost.

If he wants to throw his tantrums, invite him to really have a good one, he just doesn't get to do it in front of you. He can go outside, to his room, it doesn't matter a long as you're not the audience, (a form of participating with him in his drama) indicating displease, concern, etc. Also it's important that you don't raise your voice, threaten him, etc. Just handle it like you're getting ready to go shopping, no big deal.

The more energy you put on this the happier he is, because he perceives this is what it takes to get his way, and he will begin to believe this is how life really works. You may one day have a bully on your hands or a great manipulator, and not just at home, because he will take this behavior everywhere with him.

Remember, his behavior is getting him something he craves, and exactly what that is, I don't know! Perhaps most important of all, is to keep demonstrating your love for him, and let him know the new sheriff is in town!

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