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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

My son will be 7 in January. He has always been "all boy" but now it's just getting out of hand. He is in first grade and his school work is excellent! But his behavior is terrible. I talked to the teacher and she said that he likes to tell other children to hurt others, he tries to bully them into doing things that they know is not right. He knows between right and wrong but he is choosing to do the wrong things. He constantly tries to boss his two younger brothers around (ages 5 and 2) and seems to think that he can do whatever he wants. I am pretty much a single stay-at-home mom as my husband is in the military and out at sea most of the time. How can I curb his behavior? I've tried getting him involved in different things that are just for him, like Cub Scouts. And I tell him that if he misbehaves that he will no longer be able to do them. It doesn't seem to bother him. When I reprimand him he takes it out on my 5-year-old. I'm afraid if I don't try to change his behavior now that it will be an even bigger problem when he gets older. He is extremely stubborn and hard-headed. How can I change it and make life more pleasant for him as well as his classmates and teachers?

This is an excellent time to be asking this question! You are right, it's important to address this issue with your son now, rather than let his behavior escalate. You have taken the most important first step: acknowledging that your son's behavior is wrong, and that he CAN change it. Many parents try to look for "excuses" for this kind of behavior, and thus, let their child "off the hook." Not so with you! You've asked what you can do to improve his behavior, and here are some specific suggestions.

As each situation arises, talk about it with your son immediately. Ask helpful questions to determine the reasons for your child's behavior. Brainstorm with him a variety of options he would have as an alternative to being rough. Help him learn new ways to handle the conflicts that arise with other children. Use role-play to help him practice new ways of responding to other children.

If possible, arrange to have your son spend some time with an older, responsible child. If you don't have any close family members or friends that fit the bill, look into a Big Brother or Big Sister program. It may help to find a mentor for your child who can teach good social skills by example.

If you must discipline your son for a specific act, such as hitting another child at school, use discretion when deciding on a consequence. Yelling, hitting or harsh punishment will only encourage your child to continue his own aggressive behavior. Instead, look for constructive consequences, such as assigning chores at home, or writing a note of apology to the child who was hurt.

Discourage your son from spending time with friends who behave in aggressive ways. Pay close attention to the children your son socializes with, and plan more play dates with those who can be a good influence on him. Continue to encourage your child to become involved in organized youth activities. Participation in a team or group often gives a child the social experience he may be lacking. Another option is to enroll him in one of the social skills classes that are now appearing in schools, churches and hospitals.

Believe it or not, it can be helpful to enroll your child in a quality martial arts school. Visit the school first and watch a few classes in action before you mention the idea to your child. Choose a program with smaller class sizes. An authentic program will teach restraint, respect and self-control. A good martial arts teacher will convey a quiet, reserved confidence. Talk with the teacher in advance of classes to let him know your concerns about your child's behavior, and what you are looking to achieve with the class. An experienced teacher should make you feel confident that you are making the right choice for your child. This may be just what your child needs to learn to control his physical power, and to develop self-discipline. (And it's heartwarming to see your child bow to the master and hear him end every sentence with a hearty "Sir" or "Ma'am"!)

And finally, always remember to praise your son when he displays kind and courteous behavior. Some children get so much more attention when the misbehave that in some unconscious way they continue to reach out for attention by acting out. More one-on-one time with Mom can always be helpful too!

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