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Expert Q&A
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| By Jenny Lewis, M.D. Pediatrician | ||
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My 7-year-old's father seldom calls him, and whenever he promises to see him, he doesn't show up. This has been going on for about four years, and my son is making excuses for his father. He makes it clear that his "son" is his 1 year old. Is there anyway for me to protect my child from continuously being hurt by this? He has a wonderful step-father, but he needs to have a decent relationship with his father.
I have seen your exact situation in many reconstituted families. The pattern repeats itself; father loses interest in child, child is hurt, mother tries to bring father and son together, she fails because it is something that can't be forced, he pulls back even further, child hurt even more, eventually child gives up and mother becomes bitter. There is not a painless solution but there is a way to minimize the hurt.
With the handwriting on the wall, go immediately to the child and explain the situation in gentle terms that he can understand. In your case, point out that his natural father loves him but because of time, distance and other demands, his father will not be able to do as much as in the past. Luckily, he now has two fathers and more time must be given for fun times with his step-father. He is lucky and you are fortunate to have another man. Of course, it takes time for interests and relationships to develop, but things will get better.
It is better to let the past go. While you may want a decent relationship, it is better to have a small, decent relationship with little interaction than to have years of unmet expectations with accompanying hurt. The best way to avoid the hurt is to withdraw from the past and to focus on the new father.
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