quick clicks

preschoolers today articles

preschoolers today q&a

children today articles

children today q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Expert Q&A

	By iParenting Staff iParenting Staff Experts

When my now 6-year-old daughter was 2 1/2, her 7-year-old cousin died suddenly in a horseback riding accident. She was very close to her cousin, but we didn't think she quite understood what happened at her young age. Our family is very close and we talked openly about our feelings. Now, whenever my daughter cries about some other circumstance -- if she's in trouble or she fights with a friend -- she'll say, "I'm really crying because I miss Jenna." Then the sobs really start. We've never asked her to suppress her feelings, and if she cries we are always there to support her -- regardless of why she is crying. Is she using her cousin's death as a way to get more attention, is she using it as a excuse to cry louder and harder (she can be quite dramatic) or are her feelings of grief resurfacing when she is upset? She is normally a very happy, popular and confident girl and this happens maybe once every couple of months.

It is very hard to know how the loss of a peer will affect our children. Some seem to get over it quickly, others stay sadder longer. And others, as in the example above, seem OK but unable to put it behind them completely. The ages of 6 and 7 years old are transitional times in kids' development. There is a shift in their thinking skills -- they begin to attach true meaning to those persons and objects not with them. It's as if the motto, out of sight, out of mind, becomes much less true than it was when they were younger. Literally, they can keep in mind -- and in their hearts -- longer than they could previously something or someone that is now absent.

It is not uncommon for young children to feel a certain combination of guilt and what I call a superstitious need for reassurance. The guilt comes from "forgetting" about the person who was lost, and perhaps even feeling somehow that it's "wrong" that she is not crying anymore over the loss.

Some children actually have a similar reaction when they are having a very good time, as if it is "unfair" that they are enjoying themselves when their lost loved one cannot. The need for reassurance comes because she is now around the age when the terrible loss took place. She wants that extra reassurance that something similar will not happen to her. Adults who have lost relatives due to health problems often experience anxiety as they approach the age that their relatives died. Once they pass the "bad" age, a huge weight is lifted. It is not any different for kids.

Children need us to respond to them in emotionally intelligent ways, as emotionally "tuned in" parents.

Respond to her feelings rather than her words. Say, "We all miss Jenna very much. It was a terrible accident, and it's good that things like that don't happen frequently. Now, let's look at the situation we have here right now: what's the problem right now? Let's think how we are going to handle the situation that is bothering you now."

In many cases, it helps to apply the skills of emotionally intelligent parenting and try to recognize your children's true feelings, give empathy, try to take their perspective, and then start working on giving them the problem solving skills they need to cope with situations. This also serves as powerful reassurance that you think they are competent and can handle both tragic and everyday events.

View more Q&A by this Expert