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Expert Q&A

	By Harriet S. Worobey, M.A. Early Childhood Educator Director, the Nutritional Sciences Preschool

What are some signs of stress to look for in a child's behavior when dealing with the death of a family, friend or relative?

There are many signs of stress in a child after a trauma, such as a death in the family. Of course, since each child is unique, s/he may react differently.

Some children become extra quiet and withdrawn. Some children become over-emotional and break down over little things. Some children experience sleep difficulties, such as nightmares and difficulty falling asleep. One special reason for the sleep problems is that a child may have been told that the person who died has fallen into a deep sleep or something equivalent. This is very frightening to children and may leave them terrified of going to sleep.

It is very important to talk to children about their feelings but to realize that they are children, not adults. One of the hardest things for preschoolers to understand is that the dead person will not ever be coming back. They may need for you to tell them this over and over. Many of the spiritual concepts that give adults comfort are confusing for children – heaven is very abstract and children are very literal.

Do not avoid acknowledging or talking about death with children. Let them know that grownups feel sad too. But do not tell a child how s/he should be feeling. Sometimes adults are looking for a big emotional reaction that just isn't there.

Books help. There are lots written for young children. Pick ones that apply to your special situation. Here are a few suggestions:

• Everett Anderson's Goodbye by Lucille Clifton
• The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
• A Funeral for Whiskers by Lawrence Balter
• When Someone Dies by Sharon Greenlee

Often, doing something concrete might help, such as making a scrapbook about the loved one or planting a tree or flowers in memory of the person.

And finally, try to help the child feel secure. Give the child reminders that s/he is loved and will be taken care of. Try to maintain stability for the child if possible."

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