Who Should Tell the News?

Because all children appear to harbor some degree of fundamental and primitive terror that something catastrophic might happen to their caregivers and that without their caregivers' protection and care they themselves might die, it is best if the news comes from the adults to whom a child feels closest -- whether parents, foster parents or other caregivers. Access to someone with whom the child shares an ongoing history of trustworthiness, concern and involvement is an important buffer during crisis or change and reassures the child that he or she is not alone, that there are other people available to provide protection and vital caretaking.

If the loss entails the departure of a parent (whether because of a new job assignment, parental separation, serious illness, or incarceration), it is best for both parents to tell the news together, so that the child has the chance to understand that everyone is involved in what is happening and that, regardless of the change, they are still a family. If the loss is the result of parental conflict (separation or divorce), it is particularly important for each parent to take special care to avoid influencing the child's reactions and to do whatever is necessary to reduce the likelihood that the child will feel caught in the middle of a parental conflict that requires choosing a side. If it is impossible for parents to tell the child together, then they should each talk to the child as soon as can be arranged. Whatever the situation, when parents share the news, whether separately or together, they should both make it clear that their love and positive concern for the child have not diminished and that the child is not the cause of the family change.

When Should I Tell the Child?

The best way to help children face significant changes or losses is to let them know what is happening as soon as the loss, separation or change seems definite. When parents try to delay telling the news, they often underestimate how sensitive children are to parental preoccupation and tension. Telling a child about an impending loss not only prevents the distress and anxiety that may build as the child increasingly wonders what is wrong but also allows the child to begin to prepare for what lies ahead rather than being caught off guard. The child has a chance to start getting used to the idea, to raise questions and concerns, to participate in the adjustments parents are making, to play and replay the separation experience as a way of integrating the changes that will occur, to practice coping skills before they must be called into action, to begin to grieve. Talking about the change can promote the awareness that, though the adjustments may be hard, the child can manage both the grief and the loss: what has happened is not so awful that it cannot be faced and talked about.

There can be problems with direct prompt approaches. Imagine a mother who has only the brief time it will take someone to bring her children home from school to prepare herself to tell them that their father has suddenly died. Reeling with her own shock and bereavement, it is understandable that she might wish to postpone talking to them, to avoid seeing them, or at least to discourage their expressions of distress. It would be better, however, for her to remember that she need not hide her own pain and strong reactions as long as she makes it clear that the children are not expected to solve her problems or make her feel better. Her children will be most able to believe this if they know which adult friends and relatives will be helping her, since this is most likely to reassure them that their mother is in competent, caring, grown-up hands. If the mother subsequently joins a loss group or seeks counseling, it might be helpful for the children to be invited to meet the therapist or pastor or group leader so that they can get direct reassurance that the helper understands how important the parent is and that the helper will be available as long as help is needed.

Helping Children Trust Themselves

Because young children get their understanding of life primarily through their senses, tying news to a sensory or physical connection often helps them grasp it. Such an approach can also reinforce their trust in their own powers of observation. So talk with children about what they might have seen or heard: "When you heard us fighting, you may have wondered what was happening and felt worried and scared." "Today when Aunt Ruth came to get you at school, did you guess that something bad had happened?" Beginning this way also encourages the child to think, "I am the sort of person who can figure out what is happening." Corroborating what the child has noticed sends one more reassuring signal that the child is a thinking person, able to make sense of the world and therefore able to understand significant happenings. In fact, acknowledging that they have been aware of the adult actions or situations that led up to the loss may help reassure them that it was not their fault.

In some families, children are discouraged from observing, commenting on, or questioning what is going on with adults, especially their parents, Such children may now need assurance that it is all right for them to have noticed that things were not going well. Consequently, when talking about a loss, you should deliberately relax any unwritten rules that children should not be "nosy" about the affairs of their elders and encourage your children to voice their questions and to confirm their own observations about what has been going on in the family. Remember: when a child suffers a loss, very little about what has happened is none of the child's business. A significant separation or loss definitely is the child's business and needs to be explained as thoroughly as possible to help avoid serious repercussions later. If the questions are too personal to handle or if the separation hinges on sexual or financial matters inappropriate for discussion with children, you might say, "That's an OK question, but I feel private about the answer, and I really don't want to talk about it."

Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss